Human

 

What I was listening to when writing this.

There are people in this world that I cherish more than life itself. I would rather die before their own deaths because I know living without them would mean dying anyway.

Some people ask me why I don’t have a boyfriend or why I don’t just start dating someone. “You have so much love to give,” some say. Well, I do date, if you consider it as a verb. But I can’t even fathom the idea of committing myself to someone. Some children, when they dream up their future, see themselves with some type of family. I had never been that child. All my life, I pictured myself, in the end, alone. Sure I imagined I would have many great lovers, and wonderful friends, but there was never someone standing beside me on my great adventure. Sometimes I would even imagine myself as some sort of superhero and that I couldn’t possibly be involved with a mortal human being. Sometimes I would dream of my wedding day, dancing with the faceless man I knew to be the One, and suddenly blood splattering onto my white dress as a bullet penetrated his skull. Two things would happen: I would lay next to him cradling his head in my lap, my white dress soaking red, or I would go into a rage and hunt down the person who shot him. 

I thought, as I grew older, this fantasy would dissolve. That, of course, I would have someone in my life to share everything I love. But the older I got, the more I realized the things I fantasized as a child were coming true…minus the superhero part, sadly enough. I have many lovers and care for each one, but panic when the thought of choosing just one enters my mind. That I would rather be alone than choose any. And that if I did choose, giving myself fully to that person, letting him come into my special World-of-All and sharing with him everything that is wonderful to me, I only see darkness following. The fear of him dying in my arms. The fear of him leaving me, disappearing humanfrom existence. All these fears are rooted inside me for reasons I can’t explain. All I know is that I haven’t changed since I was a child. The number of people I care this deeply about has grown by about less than a handful since then, but the strength of this emotion hasn’t changed. The people in my World-of-All know who they are. My Papa lives there now.

What is love to you? Am I alone in this?

I can’t express just a sense of love, but a commitment and loyalty that will last until I die. This is why I won’t give myself over to love until I know it is right. But I can promise you, that even if I don’t fall for you, my feelings will be deep enough to satisfy any loneliness you may be enduring. If you need someone, I will be there. Just call for me.

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~ by Christanna Rowader on September 8, 2012.

2 Responses to “Human”

  1. Really profound and honest. Loved it.

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